The Power of Forgetting Read online

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It is alright,’ she smiles her sweet engaging smile that makes a person feel instantly better, ‘Is there anything you might wish to discuss?’

  ‘I saw Hanson’s alter egos. It was pretty freaky. But he said he was sorry…. He saw into my mind as well. But I don’t know if that was when he was still drugged or not. I wondered if he would remember later what he had sapped from me.’

  ‘Do you want him to remember’ she asked me.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Then perhaps he will know nothing of what happened between you.’

  ‘But he is different from before… it was really different.’

  ‘The leopard has changed his spots?’

  ‘Maybe....’ I said cautiously.

  ‘No one changes tack on their life without a very good reason.’ Violette sipped her tea in a very ladylike way.

  ‘Of course not.’ I thought of all the other times I’d been taken in by Hanson’s trickery.

  ‘Would you like your friends to come back in now?’ asked Violette politely.

  ‘What time is it?’ I suddenly felt confused.

  ‘Eight o’clock.’ answered Violette.

  ‘Is that morning, or evening?’

  ‘It’s evening. And still on the same day.’

  ‘Alright.’

  Violette stood quickly and disappeared. I went to the window. I looked out towards the western rim of the evening sky. There were colours there, pale gold and the indigo edges of clouds, and that soft coral as the light began to shift towards true twilight.

  ‘Where are you?’ I whispered, ‘Find me…. Find me now. I’ll stop running….’ I reached down into a little box. I took out a black cigarette, and cracking open the window a fraction lit it with a match from the small box I always kept there. For such moments…. when my mind wandered into strange channels, I had felt more at home out in the ice fields than I did now. I was wondering how long it would take for them all to arrive back in the room. I heard slight noises. There was a sound of conversation rising and falling, just on the edge of audible. The leaves sang their own song outside my window. They were talking about me. Was it rude? Was it concern? Out there in the Cloud Field I had been their Captain…. Expedition leader, after we had lost Hanson. That was partly Marcia’s doing. And then again she was with me in the Summerland…. I had caved in then. I wanted to stay away from her but I couldn’t…. she is “The One”. I was seeing her in my dreams. I heard her laugh and I felt lighter somehow.

  I blew the smoke out in a stream through the gap in the window. It was all rather confused after that when we were in the mountain. There were so many things layered onto each other, each one an island of memory. Ironic that I should only find some peace in the one place I was most afraid of. There at the edge of existence…. I had seen my friend killed. The stuff of nightmares! But now I saw him come into the room smiling; he came near and picked up the matchbox.

  ‘Are you setting the world alight?’ he seemed intent on warning me of something, ‘there is someone here you might not want to see. Shall I send them away for you?’

  ‘That depends…’ I glanced towards the hall door.

  ‘On what?’ Davey leaned closer, ‘Marcia is in the kitchen…but she doesn’t know about Hanson.’

  ‘Yeah, she does,’ I said, ‘Come on Davey…. You really have to try to tell me that Marcia doesn’t know that’s going on? That is not true.’

  ‘I thought she had some sort of… err problem with Mr Hanson?’ He stared out at the sky, as I looked at him.

  ‘You really should stop imagining things Davey. We really need to stop seeing what isn’t there.’

  ‘After all that happened?’ he said mildly.

  ‘Especially after that, it’s easy to get carried away.’ I thought of the giants. Davey was looking at me, waiting to see what else I would say. He seemed worried then, seeing my face. I must have been frowning, or looking moody or something.

  ‘Come on Jared. We’re all alright now. Aren’t we?’

  ‘I….’ the clouds were moving again and the thickening twilight was invading the room, ‘I really need to tell you and Marcia something. I don’t think it’s something the Doc can hear though.’

  Davey looked at me intently for a moment or two as if measuring the significance of an idea he was currently toying with. I thought he wouldn’t speak, and drift into one of those extended daydreams, but he turned away towards my kitchen.

  They all came in then: Marcia, Davey and Violette. The dear doctor was just about to go anyway, and stood there with her coat on, and a tetchy concerned look on her face.

  ‘Marcia, you will keep him with you for the next day. For heaven’s sake make him eat something!’

  ‘Doc, I’m here!’ I reminded her.

  ‘Yes,’ Violette was smiling in an amused way. But really she was trying to stop being too intense. Davey’s influence; or perhaps Marcia had been plying her with chocolate cake.

  Marcia and Violette hugged each other and Violette left the building to get a taxi that had just arrived outside. I let them deal with it all. The cigarette was finished, but I still craved something else. Perhaps as a condition I could tell a little of my story before indulging any desire. Out there in the icy land of all our fantasy I had hardly wanted anything; not even to smoke. Yet other things intruded on my thoughts instead. Back here I was feeling directionless and a little lost.

  I turned to see the two of them come back in. I supposed that Davey would want to see Janey soon. It would seem obvious that she would come here. But I felt as if I could not ask. My beloved sister…. I loved her with that kind of obsessive devotion that was weirdly discomforting to those who did not understand it. She was better than all the other girls. She was my Angel, my flipside. Often, she would be in the mood the opposite to mine. We were twins….and had that connection that was stronger than normal siblings. Yet she was like a dangerous poison too; when she was feeling out of sorts. I wanted her to be happy. And it was only finding Davey that had stopped her driving herself into the ground with work.

  When we were little; she was that grubby child who refused to brush her hair, and was muddied from top to toe after one of her creature hunting adventures outside in the woods and farmland near our childhood home. She would collect creepy crawlies, while I was finding rocks and leaves more interesting. I clothed my imagination. And that is why I paint now. I became the artist, and she the scientist. Funny how they don’t seem so different… we both like to look, and wonder. If Janey saw the atoms dancing I would see the spectrum of colours in a sunset. We loved the same things for different reasons. And those strange little children became us two; independent, complete without others. Even after we had both moved on.

  As for girls…. I was the boy that they all threw themselves at… for about five minutes that is, until I opened my mouth and said anything about the things I was actually interested in. Then it was only later, that determined girls would try to seduce me. I was lonely and was easily conned. They thought I must be worldly, but I plainly was not; and most despised me. And more to the point they despised my sister, and wanted to separate us permanently. Janey could not bear it when she had everything going right, then some guy got jealous of me turning up just to talk to her. They actually thought she was lying when she told them I was her brother… I suppose it was the body language. Janey is a very physical person. She likes or dislikes someone and shows it with how she moves around them…. I feel a cringing feeling as I think of Hanson again. Out there in the Ice fields, all the normal rules were misapplied. Janey was another one of his seductions. That was why she was so antagonistic towards him later. Like Lorraine was to me. I crawled away from the very thought of that woman. She was out for all the boys in our circle at college and wasn’t particular on being exclusive to one at a time. I think… but I have no proof that she was running me, Hanson and another lad all at the same time. That wasn’t the only thing to say about her. But the r
est only makes sense, with the rest of the things that I felt at last I ought to tell Marcia and Davey.

  We are sitting together, the three of us. Marcia has placed a plate of snacks in the middle of the small table. I nibble at them absently.

  ‘You said there was something else,’ Davey picked up a spring onion and looks at me expectantly, ‘hadn’t we better wait for Janey?’

  ‘She knows about this…’ I said, ‘it’s less uncomfortable for her if I let you know what has been the real difficultly all this time.’ I wasn’t sure how to proceed so I just let my eyes lose focus and bit into a cheese cube.

  ‘Jared…. Jared?’ Marcia’s voice is quiet insistent.

  ‘What?’ I stare at her.

  ‘Please talk to us,’ she said in a puzzled way, ‘are you back now?’

  ‘Where had I been?’ I asked her and putting some crisps on my plate.

  ‘You are drifting,’ she said, ‘perhaps we better do this on another day?’

  ‘No! I mean no… I need to say now.’ I look at her fully for the first time since she arrived at the flat. She seems startled. ‘What is it?’ I asked her then.

  Marcia moves round and sits next to me and takes my left hand in both of hers; ‘You are very…. well distracted, after what happened earlier. I was hoping that we could find a way to cheer you up?’ She looks doubtful, a little edgy even. I sense that this may be Violette’s doing. But I can’t get annoyed. Not really after the way I’ve reacted in the past to Marcia and Davey…. They are both patient people. Marcia was always a good friend. I think we haven’t found our level yet, and this uncertainty is making things difficult for everyone in our little foursome. It’s a fragile vulnerable time for all of us. Janey and Davey are still dodging around each other. And strangely so are Marcia and I. Relationships that are so important that we all feel a little wary of pushing things too fast. I think the girls are the ones who’ve decided to be more laid back on that front…no pressure, all of that. I think Violette had been giving out advice from the point of view of one who knows she can get her own way, and knows when to push it and when to let it go. I guess I don’t mind the fact of Marcia being the decision maker in all of this. She is far more sensible about everything than the rest of us. Davey is still getting used to the idea of have a girl around who actually likes him. Our world back here in the place that is not Sandglass is rather uncomfortable. I suppose it like being released from prison; it takes a lot of adjusting to. Some of us were out there for years. Only Davey had the crash course; the rest of, including I suppose Hanson, were there in our time for at least ten years. It takes it out of you. Like a dream, there is more time, but we are still young. Does my old self that inhabits this younger body know how to behave? Jules is the only one who had been there longer than I had, and he was close to cracking by the end. It took all of Violette’s powers of patience and understanding to put up with a lot of things that have happened since. Some of them don’t fade, but come back periodically. It’s like getting some virus in your system. You never really get rid of it. You learn to overcome. I was dead, or at the very most unconscious… how was I to learn how to live again? She doesn’t know, and I have to tell her. Right now, before I lose my resolve to confess all. But this has eaten away at me long enough, and if we are all to be honest friends we should begin to tell each other the truth.

  My eyes slide into focus. Marcia is sitting with her head bowed down as if she is sleeping, her arms are folded. Davey is sitting back in the chair and staring at the ceiling, neither make a move, or speak.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I began, ‘this has been a long time in the telling. But you will see why… I will have to tell it the way it comes out. Please forgive me for that. I don’t know how this ends. I only know where I am at now. And Janey may feel a lot different from me. Please let her tell you in her own way… please don’t press her to say anything. This has taken years. And you two are the first people outside or our immediate family who will know this thing I am about to confess.’

  ‘Is this about your older sister?’ Davey asked.

  ‘Yes. That is part of the reason you don’t see her much either. I will ask her to show you something that I can’t. It isn’t just about her and us two.’ I involuntarily shut my eyes for a moment, I took a big breath; ‘this is about our parents too. And I hope that they won’t be cross…. But the pressure inside my head is so great; I think I’ll really go mad if I don’t release it soon.’

  ‘Do tell us.’ Davey simply held out both hands.

  ‘I am in the middle of a paradoxical tension pulled taut like a violin string.’ I held out my other hand to Davey. He immediately gripped my right hand with a sharp pinch that was partly nervous curiosity.

  ‘I am not very good at this. You need to understand that. But the things that happened on the expedition are similar to the effects that you may sense. So you are already aware that it happens and can make you feel a little odd, yes?’

  ‘That’s fine…’ Marcia said, ‘is there anything else we need to know before you…. Err,’

  I smiled then: ‘I might not be able to find the sequence. I have to remember something I have wanted to bury down inside for as long as I have been a grown up.’ I looked from one to the other, ‘I’m sorry if this feels discomforting in anyway okay?’

  ‘Alright.’ said Marcia,

  ‘I’m ready.’ said Davey, sitting up straighter in the chair.

  I reach inside. There is a sequence to unlock. It is a mental barrier that has been put there deliberately. I find the first then the second. And each one like a rusty lock that with a squirt of the right lubricant, slides easily open.

  The last barrier. I feel that spinning in my stomach again. But it’s different to the other things that have happened because this time it is me who is in the controlling position. I am still at war with myself, this is just a temporary truce. Each barrier placed in the mind had a key and a lock it fits. Usually a mental image that must be placed on the right and on the left, and are then brought together in the middle. Then the door opens in your mind and you can go into the next level. I have ten of these locks and keys. Seven is usually more than adequate. I asked for this many because it made it exponentially harder to get the final code. And I have always been afraid of what might happen if I didn’t keep the thing locked away; especially after what happened the last time.

  I gasp as the last key unlocks. My mind feels fluid and eased in a way that I have never felt before. Marcia and Davey now feel like grounding weights that will stop me from floating up into the deep blue of the sky and communing with the stars.

  ‘Davey!’ I look at him.

  ‘I’m fine he says, and smiles a half smile. Easily the most understanding friend and faithful companion I have ever known.

  ‘Jared…. Oh Jared!’ Marcia is staring at me wide eyed. Her expression is of joy and sorrow mixed together. I sense it then. That lifting inside myself, communicated through our touch and proximity in the room. She knows, she just knows; that I have been released. What does she see? Her eyes search my face. She is caught in something powerfully intense for her. She is generating a charge like the deep throated sound of singing in a wild land at night. The sound is moving through me and it calms my mind. I feel a sense of control. We are not moving, were are still and there in normal time effortlessly gliding. I am getting lighter and lighter. But I am still sitting in the same place at the same time on the same day. Davey laughs, ‘I see something… I see you running across a field. You’re really little.’

  I see the memory too, potent, simple, and pure; before I was afraid. I had forgotten it until now, the simple joy of a child running. And I see Janey running too. But now it is time to stop….

  I lock the first gently, then the second, and the third, still okay. Then one by one each set of images turning against each other and then dissipating. And finally the last one. Softly it folds apart. And now I am the one to sit with my head bowed.

  Marcia’s eyes are glowing a
s she looks up at me, kneeling now on the floor. She is concentrating on me so completely I forget everything else.

  ‘Jared… Jared….’ She moved quickly and pressed her lips against mine. This was soft and simple and like a summer day. Just like the joy of running through the field with a formidable sense of delight. I am overtaken with a joy that was only like one other thing; that day at the pool. She kissed me that way then, but I had forgotten. All these dark dreams later and now I felt free.

  But I must not be complacent.

  ‘I need for you both to let go of me now,’ I said, ‘it’s just a precaution. Just for a couple of minutes and then I am sure the whole sequence in my mind is set back into the place it came out of.’

  ‘What just happened?’ Davey asked me as he withdrew his hand and picked the small plate up again.

  ‘I was just starting the car… and err sitting with the engine humming in neutral; in a manner of speaking. We didn’t go anywhere. But that is the first time in a lot of years that I’ve done that. I was afraid to before you see. You and Marcia acted as anchors for me. I have never tried to tandem travel, so I certainly couldn’t do it with two of you holding on even if I was trying to move.’

  ‘What?’ Davey picks up another spring onion, ‘do you mean that there was more?’

  ‘It’s like being in the mountain….’ I try to explain, but Marcia interrupts.

  ‘How long has it been since you knew you were like this?’ she was speaking very quietly, almost a whisper.

  ‘Since I was seven years old,’ I said, ‘there is a test that you take. Before I had chance to do this. Before then, something happened and I was lost for quite a while. I could not get home, and it scared me.’

  ‘Lost in the forest?’ asked Marcia.

  ‘Yes. Bu the forest was time. And the way back was not by conventional means. I can move the moments around me… at least I’m told I can do so. But I am never going to use it… unless there is a very good reason.’